My Crohnstipated Life

Last weekend a few of my friends from Chicago came in to Vegas and dropped by for a visit.  They came into the house and kicked off their shoes, jumped on the couch and claimed their spot as usual.  First call to order were some fresh margaritas and chips and salsa-Oh Yeah! We tossed in our favorite movie “Burlesque” staring Cher and the good times began.  As we sat around catching up a deep sorrow fell upon my heart, as I sat there looking at the girls, I got a glimpse into what I had before, who I was before.  Natural camaraderie with my best friends.  These girls who knew me before my diagnosis, before Crohns started to suck the life out of me.  They knew that the life I was living now was not who I really was, not the real “Kelly.”  The girls who knew me when I was more crazy outgoing, social, adventurous, lighter in spirit and happier.

As I sit here on the couch, I feel like I need to be reminded of that, reminded of who I was before the Crohns Diagnosis.  By seeing a quick snapshot of myself reflected in the memories of some of the greatest women I know, I feel like it was a little gift from spirit.  I miss having that easy report, the close relationships, the laughter, the tears, and the feeling that you belong to something great.  While they sit and watch the movie I’m sitting there but deep in thought.  Having Crohns has made me pull away from everyone and everything because its just such an unpredictable disease.  I can’t depend on the day, I never know what the day will bring and most often then not, I’m left feeling sick and most of the time having to cancel plans.  After so many cancelled trips and lunch dates or shopping trips, your friends just stop asking, and you become that “sick” friend who can never do anything.  It’s hurtful and most of all lonely.  I’m now feeling very sad yet so happy the girls are here with me.

After our movie, we sat and talked about life and what was going on in each of our lives.  When it was my turn, my friend immediately jumped in and stated “we know what’s going on with you, “Crohns”, it’s your whole life. You don’t live anymore and you live for his house.”  And it was, she was right.  In her mind, it was my life, my lover, my profession, my child, and my craft. She sees that it consumes my life because I spend so much time with doctors and nurses, researching, in and out of the hospital, in the bathroom, sick, thinking and talking about this damn disease called Crohns! That’s a horrible feeling, to know that your family and friends just see you now as this homebody that doesn’t want to live, just sits around and does nothing and doesn’t want to do anything.  But let me just be clear here for you now, for those of you who may be reading this.  I don’t want to sit at home, it kills me to sit there.  I want to live, I want to get out in the sun and enjoy all the things I use to do.  Hiking, camping, biking, motorcycles, shopping, dancing, etc….you name it.  I want to do it, but here is the thing family and friends, I can’t.  My body doesn’t allow or afford me enough energy to do it. Because of my circumstance of losing my business and everything else I worked so hard for, I no longer have insurance nor the funds for meds.  So, here I am in a flare with no medication to speak of.  So, friends, I ask that you please be a little more understanding until I can get my life and my illness back on track.

I came across a great story called the “Spoon Theory” (I have a post about it) that explains how taxing illness is on the body and the author depicts the use of spoons as its teaching tool.  Once you read this little story you will have a better understanding of how I feel everyday.  And, I know some that think they know it all will say, just eat more veggies, how about you work out harder, but let me just say you should stop now while you are ahead.

Although, I know you mean well, my advice to you is when someone you love is ill, just lend a heart and an ear.  That is all we really ask.  Just read this and before you start to judge my life, and please remember who I use to be and know that that is who I still am in spirit.