My Crohnstipated Life

Life After Divorce:

Life After Divorce

After a divorce, women often experience greater loss and tend to get depressed more than men, so they say. I read that yesterday and it seems to be true; well, for me it was anyway.  It’s been a year, and within my struggle I’d like to share with you what I have taken away with this experience just in case you find yourself in the same predicament.

Why it hit me so hard
In general, women tend to become depressed more than men. Ten to 25 percent of women experience depression, and divorce doubles their risk. For women, it’s a huge health problem, second only to heart disease. As for me, my Crohns disease made it about 80% that much more difficult.  It literally was a nightmare. All the stress led to more pain than what was just felt in my heart.  The flares were by far the hardest I have ever dealt with. Then to top that off, suddenly, I felt the need to be this sexy goddess which I haven’t felt since I was in my 30’s.  My industry is a tough one full of beautiful and fit women.  The constant comparisons really had me stressed out when it came to my body image. I did gain weight and I knew I was going to be ridiculed for it. My head was spinning and really didn’t know which way was up and didn’t have an outlet or anyone to really discuss my fears so depression set in. If I were to do it differently, I would have joined a coping group and began to share my story.

Our Coping style: Studies show that assertiveness, self-efficacy, and autonomy lead to greater self-esteem. If instead of being assertive, you suppress your anger, you’re more subject to depression. At first everything is suppressed then one day, you explode! They say that after divorce, men tend to throw themselves into work, whereas women find it difficult to take action and do more grieving. The more independent and assertive you are, the less depressed you’ll be.

Our Priorities: According to my family members of the older generation, the main reason most women take divorce harder is because we’re wired for connection. Relationships are the priority, and attachment loss preoccupies us more than anything else. Even a breakup with someone after six months of dating can be devastating.  Despite your role, ultimately, you lose your identity and that is the hardest part that I am still dealing with.  It’s daunting to re-enter the workplace, especially after 40, and having your own business for the last 15 years when you’re competing with energetic college grads. I have a college degree, owned 2 successful businesses and yet can’t seem to find a job in my industry. Not knowing which of my issues should have been a priority kept me feeling stressed daily. Acknowledging what your priorities are, should be step one. I would have liked to go back to school as soon as it happened, I would be 2 years ahead of the game. But now I am in a dead end job, constantly trying to find a way to rekindle my business.  But without a backer it seems quite impossible. If I would have acted immediately, I could have saved funds to get my business going again.

My crying period.
Daily mood swings are common. Crying is not only okay, but necessary. I didn’t cry over him, I cried because of my material loss.  I lost everything because I chose to walk away from it all. The acknowledgment of loosing everything I had worked so hard for is what broke me down. I still cry for it, my life, business, friends, material things. I don’t think there is a time frame for this as my mother still cried over my father for 30 years.

How long does it take to recover?
Generally, by three years both men and women enter into new relationships. Yet, sometimes there’s unresolved guilt, resentment, or sadness toward a spouse that get buried and can linger for years if not worked through. I’m on my 2nd year and really have no desire to engage into another relationship.  For me, I’d like to get my finances down first, life in somewhat order, then open myself up.

What kind of support did I get? 
None.  Absolutely none.  I couldn’t talk with my family because they despised him so much.  I was literally on my own.  But having gone through it, I recommend that you find friends to speak with because they are an enormous resource.  This is an ongoing part of creating a single life that includes activities, not just talking on the phone. You don’t have to do everything alone. Ask friends to accompany you to doctor and lawyer appointments, and help you pick out furnishings, pack and unpack, and find an apartment.

What’s the best way to manage feelings?
Managing feelings is a combination of allowing them, but not dwelling on them. Feel, but don’t obsess and get into the story in your head. That’s the best way to release. When you’re feeling blue, nurture yourself with things and activities that feel pleasurable and make you happy.  For me, it’s a bath, shopping or something outdoors like hiking or camping. Even if you don’t feel like it- do it anyway.  The last thing you want to do is isolate yourself.

Get your life back.
It’s so important to let go and move on. Easier said then done, I know, but yet nonetheless, important to you and your health. If you don’t feel like you can go it alone, another suggestion which I wish I would have taken is to seek professional assistance.